This heart of mine yearns to be hugged.
Without you, life is a little incomplete.
You left us all; you left me more.
I cried, holding my breath and heartbeats.
May, Sixteen, Twenty Seventeen,
An awful day was dawning,
Your life that was, a life now spent.
My life has continued though mourning.
Jesus came, took you by the hand,
And like a lamb, you followed meekly.
As good Catholic girls should do,
Following him close, with strength, not weakly.
But I needed you here with me.
I don't understand. Why couldn't you stay?
Selfishly, I wanted you close.
Besides me, on the day you went away,
He summoned you, and he took you,
In your last hours, I had no say,
You left without a backward glance.
For us all, on the day you went away.
I'm having trouble writing this.
Tears filled red eyes, dismay-filled heart.
Remembering our last hours together,
On the day your life and soul split apart
Five years on, your passing is still raw.
I'm sure that it will always be
Until that day, I'm close to you.
And you will be close to me.
I hate your God for taking you.
There's no sense in him having that right.
I wanted you to stay for good.
I needed you to fight that fight.
You lost that battle, and so did I.
I no longer hold your heart.
Memories are all I have left of you.
Now your God keeps us apart.
I have some glorious memories,
Times when it was just you and me.
We could talk through the night about
anything, our conversations set us free.
I've missed Dad from those memories, I know.
He’s an emotional castaway.
I wish that he'd passed first of all.
We could have enjoyed many more days.
You know, he wasn't a role model for me.
He could be brutal on a whim.
He never understood our love.
I couldn’t understand your love for him.
He died just a few years later.
His passing didn't seem to matter.
I wasn't allowed to have his urn,
Toss his ashes to the four winds to scatter.
We cleared out your possessions, and
I found your prayer book, leather-bound,
I know you sat on your bed each night.
Reading God’s words, you found them profound.
I know it gave you such comfort.
You wrote so, inside the covers.
Also, the disappointment showed.
by family members and some others.
You believed they'd forgotten you.
In those baffling preceding years,
You really should forgive and forget.
Because they’ve shed so many tears.
Two short poems you wrote inside.
of your love, and they mean a lot,
You write as if to touch the heart.
Like love’s arrow, you hit the spot.
"Remember me with smiles and laughter."
"Because that's how I remember you all."
"If you can only remember me with tears and sorrow."
"Then don't remember me at all."
We're the same age; you then, me now.
When you wrote this little verse,
Thinking you were losing us all.
As a matriarch, there is nothing worse.
Eventually, I left.
So we were miles and miles apart.
But there was a loving space for you, Mum.
In the corner of my heart.
The first opportunity, though,
You flew out and stayed a while.
We joked, we laughed, we talked together.
I'll never forget your smile.
Inside the prayer book cover,
Once you returned from overseas,
You wrote this little two-verse rhyme.
That means so much to me.
"If only I had the words to tell you."
"If only I had the words to say..."
"How much I've sorely missed you,"
"Since you went away."
"If only I had the words to tell you."
"I know you had so much to gain."
"I only hope that in the future,"
"I will see you once again."
When I sat and read those verses,
You wrote alone in ninety-two.
I just wanted my life to end right then.
so I could come and be with you.
You are my soul. You gave me life.
There's no one else I'd want to be,
Inside my head, inside my heart,
I'm your son. You are the best in me.
Are you still writing in heaven?
In the company of the saints,
Writing words that set you free
Without hardships or earthly constraints,
“If only I had the words to tell you."
“If only I had the words to say..."
“Just how much I will miss you all”
“Now that I have passed away."
“If only I had the words to tell you."
“I'm sorry my leaving has caused pain,"
“My one special hope for the future,"
“is that we will all be together again."
To this day, Mum, I honestly grieve.
For our bond, as mother and son,
That bond can never be broken.
Because together, you and I are one.
In reply, I’d like to tell you, Mum.
Write some special words to you,
Answer with some heartfelt lines,
As sons and poets often do,
“If only I had the words to tell you."
“If only I had the words to say..."
“Just how much I have truly missed you,"
“Since the day you passed away."
“If only I had the words to tell you."
“I'm sure that your God's love will suffice."
“And he'll keep you safe in his love."
“In the arms of the Lord Jesus Christ”.
On that day, when my world turned dark,
My memories of you helped me see clearer.
Your life's bright light transcends any darkness.
Looking with blue eyes through black mascara.
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